he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
