Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
