Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
