So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
