We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
