Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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