i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
