Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
this will be a night to untag.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I still have a little drunk in my system
you made out with another girl for some wings
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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