I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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