explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
