My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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