This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
