i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
