i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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