I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
