The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
