i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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