Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
