So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Pants are for mortals
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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