drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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