i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
