how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
