Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
