shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
