Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
