chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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