im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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