I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
