and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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