I'm so fucking centered right now
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
