if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just tell him i said nine months
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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