I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
