i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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