People in love make me want to vomit
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
