his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
