In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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