I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
