I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
