I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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