I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
