I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
