Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
