I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
