I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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