I'm going to jail i love you
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
