"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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