Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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