i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
