I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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