if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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