I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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