Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
