P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
